Kiss Me, Kill Me by Louise Mullins

Author:Louise Mullins [Mullins, Louise]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: 9781838938079
Publisher: Head of Zeus

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Dr Watkins’ office was at the end of the long corridor of the Glen Usk wing. My bed was in one of six dormitories on the Adferiad Unit. Those who were counselled in the Outpatients Day Care Department were considered no risk to themselves or others, and that was where I continued to meet with my clinical psychologist for eight weeks of intensive psychotherapy after my release. I had no home to return to once I was discharged, so my keyworker was in the process of organising supported accommodation for me. My landlord didn’t wait longer than one missed payment before starting eviction proceedings.

Dr Watkins had lots of letters after her name I was uninterested in enquiring about and several certificates recognising them were hung on the wall above her desk. She had long, wavy, natural blonde hair that fell to just above her elbows. She wore flowing cotton fabrics that disguised her thin frame, and bangles on her wrists that jingled as she moved. Last time we spoke she’d asked me what metaphors I could see in the text of my journal.

‘Are there any underlying themes that stand out to you?’ When I bit my lip and allowed my eyes to wander across the room towards the snow framed window, she tapped a page of the notebook I was using to write in and added, ‘For instance, here, you mention your father fleetingly as though he had a secondary role to your upbringing.’ She flicked the pages back and her hand dropped to another, her finger tracing a line of words she’d highlighted. ‘And here, you do the same for Tony. Yet he lived with you and your mother for four years.’

I shrugged.

‘I’m interested to know what impact these men that your mother dated had on you while you were growing up. Neil and Jason too.’

My teeth found the inside of my cheek and began to chew on it until I tasted blood. The salty metallic flavour had an instantly calming effect on me. ‘They were there then they were gone.’

I watched her circle the words she’d written on the notebook spread open on her lap:

Men – Disposable.

She didn’t pursue the subject. Not then.

‘And your relationship with your mother. Would you think it fair that from your depiction I’d consider it strained?’

‘My mother’s behaviour is self-destructive. She’s unhappy on her own.’

Dr Watkins circled the words:

Insecure and Co-dependent

She smiled. ‘Abandonment comes in many forms. While your physical needs may have been taken care of, your emotional needs were often neglected.’

‘I thought we were talking about my mother?’

‘We learn from our elders. We repeat the patterns of behaviour they express. Which they recite from their own parents.’

‘My mother was conditioned to act that way because of how her mother behaved towards her?’

She nodded. ‘Perhaps because of your gran’s struggle with poor mental health.’

‘Or her father.’

She tilted her head conversationally and motioned for me to expand.

‘My grandad was a sea fisherman. He worked away for weeks at a time and he died young.

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